I will be 21 tomorrow and i somehow got my self scared. The feeling of getting older and not achieving my dream that i have been planned to fulfill before turning 20 haunted me; I haven’t cry yet. This weekend i got my self the closure that i need, i tried so much to surpass my uneasy feeling, pushed it hard by replacing it with the calmer side of myself – that i know it was exist before. The time has came for to me to stop my nomadic thought; to summarize and wrap separately all the things that i learned on my hitchhiking era. It’s time for me to get rid of the waste and rescue the forgotten.
But honestly i haven’t really figured the detail of my young adult closure, i just know that i have to be more mature. I had enough fun being an ignorant child and childish spouse; I should stop acting out. I am thankful for what i have done and for all the choices I’ve made, i believe everything happens for a reason that will make me happier someday. I believe i had my best days, i got the best experiences for me to learn and remember. Then, I am sorry for myself, for not being and not trying to be the best version of myself. But there is no regret, cause i was fully aware for what i have done; i planned to laid back and try some stuffs. I figured things out, i learned so much about how naive and ignorant a person could be, i learned what is learning really means, I become braver than before, i know things more.
I am not bulletproofed yet, my life wasn’t going upside down; it was more like a roller coaster ride. But now i feel like i know what is one of the most important thing in life as a mature person; “one should always learn”. I figured that true learning means the journey to find the best truth to be applied in life, to be a better human being.
This is supposed to be a post about the things that i should be grateful from the past week, but i suddenly turn it into a ramble of so-called, soon-to-be an adult. Let me start put down my list now. In my young adult life i am so grateful to meet these people, they resonate the energy that i needed. I think i will make this post as a thank you and a sorry letter from me.
I sometimes think what if our path don’t cross, where would i be right now? How is myself doing?
So dear Bjoerni, I sorry cause some-when in our years together, i ever hurt you, i became selfish enough to just think about my own needs and my own problem. I am sorry for ever being so demanding and needy. I am sorry for being complicated and careless. I am sorry for not being grateful enough. I know you never need my sorry and i thank you for that. I basically thank you for everything. For your smile, for your surprise kiss, for a chicken sandwich, for the spoiled side of you. I always have anything that i should thank of when i am with you (I think right now after married the most used phrase in our conversation is thank you (before was i miss you)). I specially thank you for the spirit that you bring to our family, the spirit of love and the willing to always strive for the better. I thank you for your love and i love you. I love you.
I love you so much B
I was hard to deal with it and i was assuming that they were not trying enough. And now i am glad to realize that they best parents that i could have, without them i couldn’t be where i am right now.
So Mom, Dad I am really sorry if i ever make both of you cried, worried and angry. I am sorry that i couldn’t make you both happy just yet. I am sorry that i never give so much. I am sorry, that i could not often reach out. I am sorry that i never able to say i love you enough. In this time where i couldn’t shake your hands after pray, i miss you both so much. And I thank you for the lessons that you make me learn, i thank you for years of raising me. I thank you for letting me go and believe in me.
I love you
I love you
I always remember you in every pray, even though i never say it nor express it.
The Inspiring Friends
Cause every time i see you two in my Facebook timeline i always become more productive. They two both done so much for the youth, while i am
being stagnant and ignorant trying to figure things out. I cried so much every time i read the card that Khuya Tobit has given to me because he describes me as the best version of myself, it reminds me so much about that person and i become sad because i can’t figure out how to be that kind of person sooner. It was always a great time having them somewhere around in my life, either in Vietnam or in Indonesia; the short time that we spend together really bound me to always try (at least having intention) to do more for the society. Thank you for all the conversation that we had. Thank you for being so great and so inspiring and so kind and so funny. Thank you for making me believe that somehow, one day i could run schools and established an international org like you two.
Oh my, suddenly it becomes a thousand words post, why can’t i write 500 words post?!
The Honorable Mention
Well, i also want to thank these following names that grace my life with dreams, hope and smile.
* Marsenia for became my big sis for good two years, thanks for showing me how nice a person could be and also thanks to remind me how important mother earth is. I miss you, really.
* Dilah for teaching me the true bond of family. It’s so sad that again we can’t celebrate our birthday together.
* Mokhamad Kusnan; the president of Youthcare Indonesia, thanks for asking me to dream bigger and to host me when i am homeless in Jakarta
* Ollie Salsabila; thanks for being so humble and having an inspiring lunch with me. I still can’t forget your words. I’ll contact you as soon as my dream is published XD
* Miftah; thank you for being so generous, i really do learn so much from you.
And for every one else who isn’t in the list, i also thank you for color my life with your beautiful soul and sorry that i couldn’t always keep contact with everybody, but deeply i always miss everyone that i know.
So that’s the end of my list, tell me about your list of the best person in your life.